weezer albums (worst to best)

16. pacific daydream (2017)

listen, i know i like to rank things from best to worst, but usually i don't like to start on this dour of a note. i know i sound like a purist, but saying this is a weezer album is like saying mud is water. this album sounds like AJR and twenty one pilots had a failed abortion. directly before this one, they released a lovely little album called the white album, which we'll get to later! if we're on the subject of southern california, that album is the surfing and volleyball to this album's disgusting smog, traffic and absurdly high rent prices.

i know they meant well, but there are just so many horrible slog tracks here. get right, beach boys, happy hour, la mancha screwjob... why would you name a song "la mancha screwjob" and never put the words "la mancha screwjob" in it?! that's such a cool name! this feels like a child in the youtube comments section screaming about how he was born in the wrong generation. the only song i found half-decent was weekend woman, and that isn't even any higher than a 6 out of 10!

15. the black album (2019)

okay, this album kind of sounds exactly the same as pacific daydream, except there was one song i did relatively enjoy, and that was "high as a kite." considering pacific daydream was a collection of 10 songs i'm never even going to think of again, though, this album goes above it. that's not to say it wasn't still an absolute shitsucker, though.

piece of cake is the shortest song on the album, but it felt like it lasted a thousand years. the finale is garbage. the other songs range from ungodly levels of boring to... serviceable, i guess. let the record show that even though i think pacific daydream is the worst album, too many thoughts in my head is the worst song in their entire discography.

as for things i didn't hate, byzantine and the prince who wanted everything were two songs i thought weren't awful or grating. have they ever done a song with a drum machine before this? it sounded like that was what was in the background of byzantine.

14. raditude (2009)

the general consensus is that this is the worst weezer album, but come on! look at that little guy! how can you say he's the face of the worst album? no, i'd rather revisit this a hundred times than listen to pacific daydream again once. that said, i'd rather get a tooth pulled than listen to pacific daydream again, so... kind of a low bar.

this sucks. it feels like rivers cuomo is putting money and pandering to the execs way above making soulful music that he cares about. it's not as outright insulting as pacific daydream, and it's not nearly as boring and banal as the black album, though, so i can't exactly pan it with too much rage. i mean, i genuinely enjoyed "if you're wondering if i want you to!" also, love is the answer isn't terrible, and i have to give it props for its roots as one of rivers' genuinely touching demos from 2004 that i absolutely love.

terrible songs on here, on the other hand, include the likes of put me back together, trippin' down the freeway, and in the mall. out of all the songs on raditude that sound like terrible big-budget movie trailers, these are the worst offenders. i suppose i get the point of in the mall, but it really comes off as a love letter to late stage capitalism. ...that's the only time i'll bring up late stage capitalism, i swear.

13. hurley (2010)

i don't like hurley. i'll get that out of the way before anything else. if i were ranking these albums solely by what i personally like and dislike, hurley would be under raditude. the songs here are objectively more weezer-ish than raditude, but raditude charms me in a lot of ways that the vast majority of hurley really doesn't. memories is a downright good song. i like it a lot! most of the others are just... okay-ish.

brave new world is awful. i'm sure a lot of people come to its defense--just like they would for this whole album--but i think it's worse than anything on raditude and it genuinely gives me a headache relistening to it. forgive me for the use of this horrible analogy, but it feels like the result of rivers cuomo feeding the blue album to a machine learning algorithm and just sang whatever lyrics and chord progressions it shat out. the odd production on "time flies" doesn't bother me so much.

12. make believe (2005)

listen, make believe is... fine. i like beverly hills a lot! a lot of people consider it polarizing, and i understand. weezer isn't quite supposed to have an edge, but they're writing these songs that sound like they should have an edge. my hot take, though, is that the best song on the album is this is such a pity, one that seems considerably polarizing! i don't know, maybe it scratches that itch of whiny alt rock from the mid-2000s that i never got to authentically experience. all from the comfort of my own weezer! more than anything, though, it's just kind of a new wave banger. as for my overall opinion, the first four songs are all on par with the blue album! the rest... not so much.

11. the teal album (2019)

come on down to discount cover warehouse! we've got all the tired old 80's songs everyone else (myself included) has already covered before! and... also no scrubs by tlc, for some reason! (for what it's worth, they did a pretty okay job with that one, though.) if my thoughts weren't already obvious, i think this thing is pretty boring. that said, the covers range from competent to... pretty good!

my personal favorites of the bunch were their covers of everybody wants to rule the world and happy together! i like that they sort of went half-time on the chorus for the latter; it gave it a specific weezer bite! as for the rest, though... they kind of just sound like the band singing the songs instead of remaking them like a cover album should. it's adequate, but nothing more. like i said about hurley, if i were ranking these albums solely in terms of personal enjoyment, this would be under make believe.

10. death to false metal (2010)

don't kill me! everyone seems to hate death to false metal. i don't know why! i mean, i know why, it's because people are purists who only like the first two or three albums from any given band. one thing you're gonna realize about me through this list is that i like when a band starts exploring a new sound. (as long as they're not trying to sound like diet coke maroon 5.) this is definitely a new sound for them, but i don't hate it as much as everyone else does, i think. i actually really like i don't want your loving! it's not blue album quality or anything, but i personally think it'd fit perfectly on something like the green album. i will say, though, losing my mind is pretty low energy and awful. i don't like how much of a slog it is. anyway, this one is pretty okay. and yes, it does count as an album! why wouldn't it?!

9. ok human (2021)

speaking of exploring a new sound, i like ok human! it deviates a frankly crazy amount from what weezer is known for, but it doesn't defecate on what weezer is in the way a lot of the albums i've already talked about have. maybe i don't like it as much as the albums coming up because it reminds me more of my own music than anything i'd expect weezer to create. maybe that's a bit self-deprecating, but it's not like i hate any of this! in fact, i'd say this is the most solid and consistent album they've released since maladroit.

all of these songs lie very squarely in that inoffensive 6/10 to 8/10 sweet spot. well, all except screens, which i didn't really enjoy at all, but even that only irked me enough to be a 5/10. one thing i like about this album is that i recognize some of the few little things i liked about the black album in it (namely, the more diverse instrumentation) and went further with it while completely ditching that irritating "fueled by ramen" sound that they can't pull off at all. my favorites off this record were bird with a broken wing, dead roses, and la brea tar pits, the lovely finale to this album. it really does sound like a computer programmer wrote these songs! (which, if you don't know, is absolutely the case.)

8. pinkerton (1996)

oh boy. besides the blue album, i believe this to be the most talked-about album they've ever made. not many bands explode onto the scene quite as quickly as weezer did, meaning pinkerton had some fairly gigantic shoes to fill in the way that most sophomore albums don't! to be honest, anything they could've made after the blue album was gonna be controversial. as such, anywhere i place it is going to be controversial as well! but how do i feel about it? ell, i think it's pretty alright! i don't hate it nearly as much as it was cool to hate it in the 90s, but i also don't love it quite as much as it's cool to love it nowadays. i always thought pinkerton was pretty consistently decent!

my favorite off the album is el scorcho, which i believe is a fairly common sentiment. (though, i understand why they might not want to play it live as much these days!) i can't exactly choose a least favorite. i know the most spicy answer would be pink triangle, but come on. as silly as that song's existence is, i can't hear "i'm dumb, she's a lesbian" or "can't she be a little straight" without screaming it in unison. (to be honest, i've always wondered how rivers cuomo felt after realizing she wasn't a lesbian at all. considering he's still performing the song, i'm sure i'd be impressed with how well he took it!) my real answer would probably be falling for you. to be honest, i think that's still a pretty spicy answer! i feel like a lot of reddit would come to that song's defense... even if i don't think i'm particularly trying to offend in the first place.

7. the green album (2001)

honestly, the difference between the green album and pinkerton--both in terms of what i believe their objective quality to be as well as my personal enjoyment of each--is pretty trivial. a lot like that album, i think just about every song on here is either a 7 or 8 out of 10! believe it or not, my favorite off the green album is island in the sun. what can i say? it deserved to become as popular as it did! some other bangers that i really enjoy are hash pipe and knock-down drag-out. in fact, the latter is so fucking catchy that it's been stuck in my head ever since i was first curious enough to listen to it. it's been getting a little irritating, actually! all in all, i'm excited to come back to the green album in the future for some decent bona fide weezer songs that i don't quite know every word to.

6. everything will be alright in the end (2014)

out of all of their more recent albums, i think everything will be alright in the end comes closer than most to early weezer. on top of that, i also think it's one of their most they-might-be-giants-y records so far! specifically, i think eulogy for a rock band and cleopatra scratch that itch for me pretty decently. i don't think i can really choose a favorite out of these tracks! the british are coming, on top of being one of the silliest analogies for "i do what i want" i've ever heard, is also just pleasantly catchy!

foolish father was effective at planting thoughts of sadness and suffering into my mind and hurting my heart just that little bit. if i absolutely had to choose a favorite, though, it would probably be return to ithaka, the two-minute finale of the futurescope trilogy and the last song on the album. you're not usually gonna hear me say an instrumental song is my favorite off a weezer album, but this is definitely the case here! i mean, have you heard that guitar solo?! i honestly think it's as good as buddy holly's guitar solo!

5. van weezer (2021)

van weezer was... significantly better than i expected. well, i did have slightly high expectations--to say this is a "new sound" for rivers cuomo is kind of a misnomer considering rivers cuomo has 3 decades of experience playing power pop and glam metal--but this just blew them out of the water! (that said, the difference in sound between this and ok human--which was released less than 4 months prior--is absurd to the point of being hilarious.)

my favorite song off this album should be pretty obvious. sheila can do it is such an anthem!!! i'd say it's the first genuine 10/10 weezer song since the white album, which we'll get to in just a second. also, the arpeggios on the end of the game go fucking insane... even if the vocals sound a little bit like big time rush. i'm disappointed precious metal girl didn't gift us with a crazy rocking sound to end things off, but i like it anyway! what a fantastic time!

4. the white album (2016)

hooray! we're finally getting into the stuff i absolutely love with all my heart. this album swept me off my feet from the moment i first heard it. to be honest, california kids is better than a lot of the blue album and it lies very solidly in my top 10 weezer songs of all time. i'd shit on wind in our sails for sounding at first glance like something off the black album or raditude, but i could never knock that chorus. what an amazing little melody! also, has anybody noticed how many of the songs on here were based on tweets? it was definitely a great idea to stalk rivers' twitter before listening!

speaking of thank god for girls, holy shit, usually he doesn't have as much to say in one song as he does in thank god for girls! he was yapping at a mile a minute! as for other fantastic songs off the white album, king of the world is one of the most absurdly emotional songs rivers cuomo has ever made. summer elaine and drunk dori makes me appreciate that he's broadening his horizons, in that his songs are usually about "this girl is out of my league" or "i do what i want" and this song really isn't. the last song was pretty okay, but it's honestly a little bit of a slog. takes a while to get to where it needs to go. i'd say this album is about as good as van weezer, but we're getting into the albums where i believe more than one song is a 10/10.

3. the red album (2008)

ooooh, how spicy is this? i don't hear a ton of people talk about the red album, but that honestly might just be because it speaks for itself. in terms of objective quality, i can understand why people would think this is worse than the white album, van weezer, or even everything will be alright in the end. to be completely honest, the red album is this high up specifically because of how ridiculously much it means to me personally. yet again i say this: if i were ranking these based solely on personal enjoyment, i'd put this in 2nd place out of all of their albums.

alas, though, it does have its flaws--brian bell should probably stick to guitar, thought i knew is very shallow--but they are honestly few and far between. pork and beans is a ridiculously meaningful instant classic that i love with all my heart, and it's also accompanied by perhaps the best music video in human history. dreamin' would sound absolutely stupid if it were made by anyone other than rivers cuomo, but he makes it sound absolutely ethereal and turned it into a psychedelic experience that really felt like i was dreaming! and just about everything else here is enjoyable too!

out of everything on the album, though, there is a clear favorite for me. yes, much like the white album, this album has an absolutely iconic 10/10 song on it, pork and beans, that is not my favorite. the angel and the one is nothing short of a fucking masterpiece. i'm just such a sucker for super long tracks that delve into ambience near the end! i still haven't cried at a weezer song quite yet, but this is the closest one has come by a wide margin. in fact, i personally identify with it more than just about anything on the blue album!

2. maladroit (2002)

okay, being totally honest, there are a couple songs on the white album, the red album and van weezer that i enjoy more than just about anything on maladroit. what this album is fantastic at, though, is consistency. all of the songs squarely fall between 8/10 and 10/10 for me, with most of them being solid 9/10 experiences! even if this album doesn't quite speak to me personally as much as the red album does, i just can't deny the amazing objective quality and pure, unadulterated weezer-ness of songs like burndt jamb, dope nose, slave and love explosion. in fact, i do think dope nose is better than most of the blue album. as much as i might not be coming back to maladroit as much as some of their other albums this far up, it is an absolutely beautiful sound that i can't help but give some deserved appreciation to.

1. the blue album (1994)

gonna be honest. did any discourse ever even exist about what the best weezer record was? well, any discourse from a self-proclaimed weezer fan that anyone ever took seriously, anyway? did any of you expect anything different to be here? the answer is no. if you've ever listened to the blue album--which, if you haven't even heard one song off it, what's wrong with you--then you understand that this placement is fairly self-explanatory. every single song on it the record is a 10/10. it is a contender for my favorite album of all time by any artist.

i mean, what do i even say here that hasn't already been said? my sentiments about each song on the record echo that of 99% of people on the planet. it's the album that everyone compares every subsequent weezer release to, it's the color on all their merch and their website... when you think of weezer, you just instantly think "blue." it's a little sad, but it was lightning in a bottle; they're never going to make anything quite like it again, and i respect them immensely for not exactly trying to and carrying on regardless. ❤